Xander's Case
by Lolly6
Summary: SEt during the wedding episode after Xander leaves Anya, these are his thoughts as he contemplates his childhood and marriage, please R


Vision's of what will be,  
I don't know if it's true or not,  
But I can't take that chance,  
The chance that I might hurt you  
I couldn't bear that, couldn't live  
With myself if I caused you pain.  
  
So I'm leaving, you probably  
Won't understand in fact I know you won't  
And you right not to, but I've seen  
Pain and what a bad marriage can lead too,  
Seen the life people live.  
When I was little my first memory  
Is of my dad throwing my mom across  
The living room and her body hitting the counter,  
Her Landing limp and unconscious and lying  
In the foetal position while he stood  
Above her yelling abuse not realising  
Or caring she couldn't hear him.  
That was a typical day in the life of, for me.  
The folks at the hospital as good as knew my  
Name when I was about six from the hours  
I would spend sitting in the ER with her  
Waiting for the doctors to look her over  
And listen to her well rehearsed feeble  
Excuses as to where her injury's came from,  
I don't think the doctor was ever convinced  
He just didn't care.  
My dad only hit me once when I was ten  
He came home drunk and fell over my skates  
Which I had left by the door, he slammed into my  
Bedroom and pulled the covers off my bed  
Pulling me out and punched me full out,  
It was then I realised I hated him.  
That was the first time I left, I ran away  
From him and up to my room, grabbed  
A rucksack and pulled some clothes into  
It, climbing out of my window as he stumbled  
Back through the door desperately grabbing at me  
But missing.  
I went to Wills; her parents were gone as normal.  
Her eyes were wide as she saw the bruise coming through  
On my face, she put an ice pack on it and tucked me  
Into bed with her bear the one her grand mother had  
Bought her from Jerusalem when she was born.  
My dad was a bastard but it's not like my Mom  
Was any better she never lay a hand on me true,  
But she was not a mother, not in the true sense  
Of the word. She never loved my dad, and I was  
Just an accident in her hell filled life, another  
Mistake to add to the list.  
She didn't care what happened to me.  
She gave up caring, after my marrying my  
Dad.  
Looking at pictures of her when she was younger  
She was real beautiful but some where along  
The line her beauty faded from stress, age  
And misery. Not that I can blame her, I couldn't  
Wait to get out of there, but she no she's stuck  
Their and as much as I hate myself for saying it,  
All I can say is I don't care.  
I use to think when I was little about when I  
Would have a family and how things would  
Be different for them cause they would have  
A mom and a dad, who cared deeply for them,  
I would never hit my child or wife like my father.  
  
I wanted two kids a boy Craig and a girl Louise,  
They would be regular kids like I was but they  
Would know what it was to be loved and how  
To show people that they loved them, to display  
Their emotions and not just make a stupid joke  
When things got to heavy for them to handle.  
I thought about this dream a lot after I met you,  
Anya and you suddenly became the wife and mother  
Our of my dreams, my daughter had your blonde  
Hair and our son had your beautiful eyes. We were  
Perfect, we were happy.  
But all the while this happy fantasy was in my  
Head, there was an intruder in the back of my  
Mind saying you can't marry her, you've seen  
What happens when you love someone, what you  
Do to them, and what they do to you, you've grown  
Up with it, why would you want to do that to her?  
And the truth is Ahn, that I don't, I don't want to hurt  
You I want to love you and make you happy,  
Those visions god what I did in them, what we did  
It was like looking back in time to my childhood,  
And I don't want that for you, I don't want you hurt  
You. I don't want to be the one throwing you across  
A room bruising your perfect face, or screaming abuse  
At you cause the fridge is empty.  
And I don't want my kids to grow up like that,  
I love you but I can't do this, it was stupid of me  
To think that I could, but I can't.  
I doubt you'll ever talk to me again, not that  
I blame you, but I want you to know I love you  
Forever Anya Maria Harley Jenkins, a love  
That won't die or fade away a love, which will stay  
Will me forever haunting me, a love that will never  
Let me forgive myself for doing this to you, but a love which  
Will honestly accept your hatred cause that's what I deserve  
And all I can say is I love you. 


End file.
